Frequently Asked Question #4 (Poem by Tita)

How old are they?

That depends, do you mean
how long have their bodies held breath? Or,
how long have their bones existed on earth?

Because I still have his bones.
I still have them as dust in a plastic bag which —
now that we’re talking about it — is probably
older than all of them.

But maybe we are all like that: pieces
of us have always existed
in another form.

And it makes sense, doesn’t it?
Because my sister grew those bones in her body,
so, even before, they were once something else,
weren’t they?

Anyway, if we always existed before,
maybe that means we’ll always exist.

So, I’ll keep his bones.
I’ll keep them as dust and
I’ll keep them in a plastic bag.
And I’ll also keep that bag in a well-polished box
that was once a tree growing tall in a grove somewhere.
(Don’t worry, we etched his name
on the box, so we won’t go confusing it with anything else, like a tree.)

And he’ll always exist.

So, to answer your question, they are one
and four
and two
and eight

and, also,

infinite.

 

Storm

My grief no longer feels like the turning of the tides. 
My grief feels like the onset of a deep, dark storm. 
Clouds form,
Anticipation builds,
I prepare. 

Unlike the the tide,
I do not know what the storm will feel like,
I do not know what the storm will do. 
Once it hits there is nothing 
but waiting to see blue skies again. 

Rain pounds the earth,
Saturating everything in the moisture of my memories.  
As tears trace the clenched outline of my jaw,
I am chilled to the bone with the pain of trying to remember how it felt to hear you
To see you
To feel you. 

Thoughts roll through my head like thunder,
Making it impossible to think 
of anything but your face - 
The face that I miss more than the sun itself. 

Slowly, 
As the clouds release their pressure and lighten their burden upon me,
The air becomes less frigid, 
The thunder dissipates, 
The rain is soft. 

The storm passes and the earth beneath my feet smells sweet. 
After some time,
a flower will sprout from the once dry dirt. 
A reminder that just as the earth needs the rain,
I too need this pain to sprout fresh reminders of you.

 
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“I am not a parent” by Adriana

I am not a parent.
I did not build your bones in my belly like your mother
I did not lay you to sleep with a kiss each night like your father
I did not see the way your eyes,
your nose,
your feet,
or your sweet soft smile resembled my own.
You were not mine.
So why, when my eyes open each day,
do I feel like an entire part of me has vanished?
So why do I feel like when your heart stopped beating,
mine did too?
You were not mine.
Yet if the day comes for me to have my own,
I will think of you and my heart will break again
because although I did not create you,
you will always be the first who filled my heart and showed me
how the love of a child can swallow you whole.
Because although I did not create you,
I saw the way you would mimic my laugh
I saw the way you would repeat my words
I saw the way you would copy my rhythm.
I am not a parent,
but I am your Tita,
and you will always be the part of me that I have lost
the part of me that I strive to get back
the part of me that pushes me forward
to find love and light in the midst of the darkness.
I am not a parent,
but you will always be
my sweet Jackson boy.