Five

Today, Jackson would be five years old. 

In nine days, it’s the third anniversary of his death.

Jackson was so full of life at his second birthday - running laps around the house, playing with his friends in the yard, eager to wear his new dinosaur backpack. 

His little brother, Owen, is going to have his second birthday this January. Today, he runs around the house, but with COVID, we don’t have friends in the yard, and while he wears Jackson’s backpack around the house, there’s no school to attend. Owen is a lovely little dude - very playful, loves to draw, enchanted with his Sesame Street dolls - he is very much his own person, while also reminding us of his brother. After all, they share the same parents, same dog, and half their genes.

Every anniversary has been different. The first one we really braced for, and it was hard. We had many people join us for his first Flower Walk, and it was a lovely reminder of how many people loved Jackson. The second one, Owen was strapped to my chest, and it was wonderful to have the role of “father” again. This year, there isn’t an in-person walk, but we do spend every day with a toddler again, and he echoes many bits of his brother, all while showing us ways that he’s his own person.

Locket has been helpful for me. Nearly-every-morning, it nudges me that there are photos and videos on-this-day-in-history with Jackson, and it helps me keep his memory close to me. Some days, like today, it’s got an overwhelming number of items in the notification - other days it’s just a single photo, and either way, it’s lovely to remember these little pieces of him. I find myself super-aware that the act of revisiting these memories can change them, like hearing a song for the first time versus the hundredth time. (You can’t have the experience of the first-listen again, and you come to know the lyrics in a different way over time. With these videos, I know how long they are, who’s about to say something, who’s about to walk out of frame, what’s about to happen.) It’s why we delight when we find somebody else’s photos and videos of Jackson - it’s like listening to a new album from your favorite artist.

This morning, we made some “CC bread” - pineapple zucchini bread with walnuts and raisins. It was one of Jackson’s very-favorite things that my mom would make for him, and our neighbor Chris gave us a zucchini last week - it felt right to make it this morning, and Owen loved it.

We’re socked-in with pretty bad smoke in Seattle today. It’s going to be an annual thing, sadly, that Jackson’s birthday will often be accompanied with thick wildfire smoke. It makes me feel claustrophobic, and anxious about climate change. It’s also common for SUDC parents to feel a creeping anxiety as the seasons change near their child’s anniversary. In previous years, when the leaves started turning, I definitely felt it - I think this year has just been so full of anxiety already that I didn’t really feel the season-changing anxiety of September this time.

On his birthday, I’m going to take some extra time to watch some videos of him, and read the cards that many of you wrote for us at his memorial. It means so much to me to have those memories of him close by. Thank you.